I Am Not Enough

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.   - Carl Jung

And so it began! I showed up early to the Veterans Nursing Home near the U campus in Salt Lake, working hard to keep my wiggling nerves under control. I entered the room to find a large circle of chairs, one other student sitting off to the side, and Chaplain Mark getting things prepared. A small part of me wondered if I was ready, if I could handle what all was about to transpire.Am I ready to look deeply into my own soul and find things I may not like there? Because I know that is a big (if not the biggest) part of the journey.

I came in, chose a chair, and proceeded to write out my tuition check. I was staying. And that was that.

On the floor in the middle of the circle sat a small sculpture (pictured above), surrounded by 6 large colored jewels, two boxes of Hawaiian chocolates and a can of Pringles. I wish I'd taken a photo, but I wasn't yet in my right mind. I wasn't sure what it all represented, but it was fascinating nonetheless.

Others trickled in, introduced themselves and chose chairs. Some of them knew one another because they were returning students who had started at different terms throughout the year. Eventually I learned that there were just 5 of us that were brand new, with others on their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and even 5th terms.

We began with a devotional led by a newly graduated chaplain who stated that none of us is enough, that by ourselves, we simply aren't enough. He wondered if any of us had a problem with that statement. No hand went into the air. We understood that truly, by ourselves, we simply cannot be what we need to be, that only being paired together with Jesus Christ can we be enough. He handed out copies with the words to "You Raise Me Up" and shared several verses of scripture:

". . . for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthians 12:10 , ESV)

 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." (Psalms 37:26, ESV)

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." (Phillippians 4:13, ESV)

We listened as Josh Groban reminded us (in this particular setting) that it truly is our Savior Jesus Christ that raises us up so that we can be equal to whatever the task may be.

The rest of the four hour period of time was filled with much learning of the head and heart. We're here to discover our blind spots, to practice reading "documents of flesh" as we visit patients, to provide a healing presence, to practice the skill of love, to go where others are afraid to go, to acknowledge that when we're visiting patients, their space is sacred ground, and so much more.

There is SO MUCH to learn. So much growing to do.

Two students shared case studies of visits with patients. One was brutally honest in that she was tired and distracted and so the visit did not go at all as she had wished. Another was of a visit to the hospital where a young woman, whose baby had died less than two weeks before birth, was in the depths of grief and sorrow as she held her infant son in her arms. I (unsuccessfully) fought off the tears as this student read through the experience, feeling awed by her composure and ability to show up in the moment, to offer solace and healing to an entire family. And I wondered if I'd ever be up to doing the same. Heaven help me. I would be a blubbering idiot who would need someone to rescue me from the pain.

As Chaplain Mark wrapped things up, he "reminded" me that I had the devotional next week. WHAT?? I had looked on the provided schedule and saw that my first case study presentation wasn't until Sept. 23rd and figured I'd feel a little more ready by that date. But somehow I'd missed that I was up the very next week for the devotional. Five minutes, said he. Not a moment longer. This is part of learning the rules of the game. If you're given 8 min. for a presentation by a hospital, etc., you take 8 minutes and not a minute longer. And don't waste most of your time explaining why you're going to talk about what you're going to talk about. Just present already! Okay. Deep breath. I can be the first newbie and still live for the rest of the class time. Maybe.

We ended the night with a circle just like the one above, calling upon God for the needs of those in our group. I felt the beginnings of a bond, connected to those who are on the same journey. Those willing to "sit in the ashes" and give their hearts in times of need.

I arrived back home close to 11 pm and found myself completely wound up. There was so much going on in my head and heart. I will be meeting with a hospice organization tomorrow morning for training so that I can start the process of visiting patients. The organizer of this, Chaplain Cory, said to me, "You will become attached to these people, and then they will die."

By myself, I am not enough and cannot be. But with Jesus Christ as my companion, I can do it.

Oh, my heart!